It was a simple room of brick walls and a wood floor. Wildflowers of all colours grew up between the cracks and where the walls and ceiling were broken, flesh pulsated behind it, like this room was a womb.
A massive statue of three people, joined at the waist, sat in the center. The sculpted people had to bend to fit within the room, their backs pressed against the walls and their heads touching the ceiling. One of them was Nick. The other two faces I didn’t recognize, but they shared some of Nell’s features, a man and a woman.
And nestled within a perfectly circular hollow at the base was Nell. Her body was merged with the stone at her waist. She had no arms.
Nell gazed at me with wide eyes, mouth open. She looked so pale.
Then her expression changed, her eyes sparkled, and a huge smile spread across her face.
It felt like a door had swung open in my mind and like a rush of wind through the opening, flowing through the space, I could feel her again.
“Nick!” she exclaimed in a rough and scratchy voice, like she hadn’t spoken since we last talked to one another. She broke into a ragged cough.
I tried to go to her and felt my legs turn to jelly. I fell down, laughing as tears poured down my face.
“I- I wa-” I tried and failed to start a sentence, shaking with relief. “I was so scared you wouldn’t r- recognize me.”
Nell’s laughter felt like soothing water on my heart.
“Of course I would. You’re alive!” she said. “I can’t believe it!”
This sent her into another coughing fit, but a rosy colour had returned to her cheeks.
My fingers curled into fists. “I’m sorry. For everything. I couldn’t keep my promise. You put your trust in me and I failed. I fucked everything up.”
Nell shook her head, swaying her tiny frame. “I don’t care. I’m just happy you’re here now.”
I pushed myself to my feet. My head felt heavy. “I thought you might not want to see me. After what happened. The flowers…”
Nell frowned. “What did they tell you?”
“That you didn’t want me to come. That you didn’t want me to bring you back.”
Nell’s expression fell. “Ah.”
“Did they lie?”
Nell blinked and smiled again. “Forget that for a second. How are things on Earth? Is everyone alright?”
“Our friends are okay. Or they were when I left.”
Nell’s eyes closed in relief. “Thank goodness. I tried my best to hold back. I fought with everything I could.”
Guilt ran through my stomach. “I don’t know if I’m remembering everyone. I lost so many memories. I… I’m different now.”
She nodded. “I can feel it. Seems like you kept changing while I was up here.”
I looked up at the statue of Nick. “I’m sorry. I’m not him anymore. I don’t think I can change back.”
Nell stared at me so intimately, I had to look down out of shame.
“Be honest, you don’t want to change back. And why would you? There’s a joy in your heart that I never felt before. I think that the you that stands before me is closer to the you I felt in my heart all this time. This isn’t just change. It’s maturation. You’ve bloomed into a beautiful flower.”
A flower wormed up through the cracks at my feet. The petals unfolded into a starburst of indescribable colours. My tears fell onto it.
“You don’t know much that means to me to hear you say that,” I mumbled, wiping my eyes.
Nell laughed again. “I think I might actually know.”
The Lacuna beat and I felt the surge of power emanate through the room. It was no longer an echo. This was the center.
Nell’s smile faltered.
I went to the statue and climbed into the hollow so I could sit next to Nell.
She rested her head on my shoulder. She felt so, so tired.
“What did I see up there? What is this thing?”
Nell gazed up like she could see all the layers above.
“Dreams,” she answered. “Fickle manifestations of potential worlds that could spring forth once they’ve fully developed. The Lacunae are the wombs that make new worlds with new rules and new wonders.”
She smiled at me. “They’re not so frightening as we once thought.”
“Then why do they require such strong destructive emotion? Things aren’t looking good on Earth. The red Lacuna, the Lacuna of rage, it’s wreaking havoc.”
I left out the part where Nell’s flowers were adding to the bloodshed.
Nell pulsed guilt.
“It’s a defense mechanism. A way to ensure if one world dies, the next will continue on by eating the dying one. I think it’s possible that if a Witch and Wolf could live to grow old and wise, there could be a way to Shape a Lacuna without destroying the world. A way to take gradually. To take our time in Shaping the seed with intent. Perhaps a way for the old to pass on their life to a new generation.”
“All of humanity’s history and we never managed that once?” I asked bitterly.
“That’s what we do. We mess up. But then we try and make the best out of a bad situation. Story of our life together, no?”
That got a smile out of me.
“And I even got to see you dance once more.”
I groaned.
“I don’t think you quite understand how it looked from my perspective. I think you’re dead. I’m in mourning. And then you sashay right into my room with your eyes closed?”
She snorted and coughed.
I laughed with her.
We sat in silence for a long time, just feeling the beat of Nell’s heart, in tune with the Lacuna’s pulses.
I thought about my friends struggling to fight against the Lacuna on Earth.
“We have to go back,” I said.
“You’re missing something,” Nell whispered.
“What? If it’s your legs, we can figure something out.”
Nell was quiet. Her emotions were steady despite her obvious deliberation.
“I’m so happy right now,” she said. “To see you again. And to know that you’ll keep going after I’m gone.”
Hearing those words, it felt like a hole had just opened in my chest. Cold and heavy.
“I’m dying,” Nell said simply. “I fought so hard not to resonate with humans and it took its toll on me. The Lacuna demanded its tribute and I didn’t have the energy it required. So it ate at me instead. It took my legs and arms. Then it started to eat away at my insides. I can’t move from this spot and soon, I won’t have the strength to even speak.”
My fingers bit into the stone, carving furrows. For a moment, I heard the Lacuna of Rage roaring in the distance. My tongue tasted a terrible bitterness.
“Why do that for people you don’t even know? The ones that would call you a monster? They don’t deserve it. You should have let them all-”
Nell butted her head against me.
“Ow.”
I looked at her. Her expression held such intensity, like she was going to stand and stamp her foot.
“Because I decided to be different. You showed me that I could transform my hurt into something beautiful. And it feels amazing for that to be true.”
A fresh wave of tears spilled out as I hugged her fiercely.
“I don’t want to lose you!”
Nell rested her head back on my shoulder, letting me cry.
“There, there.” Nell consoled me gently. “You’ve grown so much. What’s one more change? That’s all it is.”
My throat hurt. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just wanted to stay here forever.
“It’s frustrating that I won’t be able to see the end of it. The result of this world seed. But I’m happy that you will. And here’s the best part: I’m going with you.”
I looked up in surprise.
“You are?”
Her eyes sparkled. “That’s right. Because you’re going to eat me.”
“What?! There’s no way I could… I can’t-”
Nell headbutted me again.
“You will eat me,” she said sternly. “So that I can become a part of you. I don’t want to stay here. I’d rather join the cycle of energy and pass on the role of keeper of this Lacuna to you. Besides, the Flower-Heads need guidance. They need a role-model.”
I was speechless. Was this what the Flowers had been afraid of?
“But you have to promise me something.” Nell took in a deep breath and closed her eyes. “The Lacuna is powerful. Terribly powerful. It has the power to create. So you have to promise me something. You have to promise you won’t try and bring me back. It wouldn’t be me, just a shell with my memories.”
I breathed in the scent of the flowers and Nell’s hair. I wanted to protest. I wanted to scream and shout and throw my head against the walls just so that I didn’t have to confront this. But Nell’s wishes were paramount.
“I promise.”
“Good,” she said and then went quiet for a moment. “You’ve said before that it isn’t painful?”
I shook my head, biting my lip fiercely.
“Good. Then I’ll go to sleep in your arms. I think that sounds lovely.”
Nell nestled into me and breathed slow and deep.
I stroked her head.
“Love you, Nell.”
“Love you… Sage.”
Nell’s last gift to me. I felt it settle down in my chest and blossom. A new name, one that fit just right.
We talked for a long while after. About what could have been and what could still be. We talked about silly things that didn’t matter. We laughed together. We cried. After a long while, Nell fell into a deep sleep.
I held her hand for the last time. Her emotions became like the worlds above our heads, a dream of potential. I shared those dreams as I ate. Nell’s being soaked into mine, deeper than any of the others that I’d eaten.
Until our hearts beat together inside me and I was reborn as something entirely new.