I couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes. I just sat there, mouth dry, heart beating too quickly for just having a conversation. I’d been ignoring this for too long and the sinking feeling had just gotten worse. Everyone watched me quietly as I fidgeted on the couch.
“This feels like an intervention,” I joked weakly.
“Maybe it is,” Daria fired back. “It wouldn’t be the first time we tried to stop you from doing something stupid.”
Ouch. Like I needed a reminder that Nell’s death was my fault.
“Daria!” Neve said. “That’s not right. Let’s hear them out first.”
“I’m curious what this stems from,” Graham said, studying me closely. “Does it have to do with the Lacunae?”
I nodded. “Someone has to take them far away from Earth. There will always be someone who will want to use the power within the Lacunae for themselves. Hell, even people who believe they are doing what’s best for humanity will try to take the power. It doesn’t matter their reasoning, the only result will be death and destruction.”
“Make someone else do it!” AJ blurted out, tears in his eyes. He cast his eyes down after his outburst, ashamed.
I smiled at him fondly. “It isn’t that simple. I don’t know how I could transfer control. The only way I know would be to let a Wolf eat me. I don’t want that.”
“Sage, you don’t need to do this,” Daria said. “We’ll protect you. I’ll take them all on myself. Any wannabe gods will meet the same fate as the last.”
That’s another thing to explain…
I shook my head. “It’s not just the power-hungry. People with good intentions will come too. People who think I will use the Lacunae to rule or to cause another cataclysmic event.”
“Have you considered destroying the Lacunae?” Bailey asked. She mimed her fists crashing together and exploding. “Get rid of the thing that is causing all this strife. I feel like we could do it, with enough time.”
I thought of what lay within the Lacunae of Fear and shuddered at the thought of breaking it open.
“They don’t want to,” Tom said, shifting posture and leaning forward. “Right? You have reasons why you don’t think that’s a good idea.”
I twisted my hands together in my lap. “I know some of you won’t approve. But I can continue what Nell started. She took lives away from Earth, but she also created a seed for something new. I can nurture it into something good. If I leave, I can bring the other Lacunae with me. Problem solved.”
AJ backed away from everyone, shaking his head and sniffing back tears. “How can any of you be okay with this?! I don’t want Sage to leave forever! We’re their friends!”
My heart wrenched and I leapt off the couch and went to AJ, embracing him in a hug. I gritted my teeth as I squeezed him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry… But it has to be done. You’ll move on. You’ll keep growing. You’ll do great.” I kept mumbling things without really thinking.
AJ hugged me back tightly. “I’m not ready…”
I stroked his head. “It sucks, but it’s just life. People don’t know when they’ll have to say goodbye to loved ones. Most people are never ready.”
A stinging pain bit my neck. I stumbled back, swatting at the black butterflies that swarmed in, clouding out my view of the room. They stung me viciously, anywhere they could reach.
“Kay!” Daria barked. “Stop that!”
“No,” she said with a deadly calm voice. “Not until she says what she really wants.”
I opened my mouth and coughed as butterflies flooded in. I spat and tried to wipe them away from my face. I didn’t want to absorb them. She’s right to be upset.
There was a scuffle and Kay’s voice sounded from the other side of the room, “I haven’t seen you go through so much just to throw it all away.”
I covered my mouth and shouted back, “It’s not for nothing! I can make something good out of Nell’s sacrifice!”
“By following in her footsteps and sacrificing yourself as well? How noble. If you just want to disappear then I’ll just kill you right now.”
“Kay! What the fuck!” Daria shouted. “Have you even listened to a word they’ve said?”
“Have you?” Kay retorted. “Because all I’m hearing is the old Nick and I thought he died.”
The stings sent spasms down my back. My jaw clenched as the butterflies stopped me from even opening my eyes. “It has to be done!” I shouted, my raw throat turning it into a scream.
“Fine!” Kay shouted back. “But I’m not gonna stop until you say it out loud.”
The pain was blending together into a deep ache across my skin.
“I will do this! I want to do this so that you all can have lives that are a little more peaceful.”
“Not that, Sage. Listen to yourself. Would Nell want you to be all alone out there in space?”
I shuddered at the thought. That sinking feeling was tearing through my chest, drowning me in a heavy despair that hurt much worse than the butterflies.
“I know I don’t,” Kay said, her voice breaking.
“It’s the best solution,” I said pitifully quiet. “I don’t get what I want. But everyone else does. It just makes the most logical sense.”
“Pretend none of that matters. What do you want?” Kay asked. “Say it!”
The aching coalesced over my heart. It was unbearable. Finally it broke free from my chest and I screamed.
“I WANT TO STAY!”
I started to bawl. Heavy, ugly sobs heaved out of my chest.
“Would you all hate me if I stayed?”
The stinging abated. The darkness cleared and I was smothered in hugs. A warmth I’d never known washed over me, soothing the ache.
“Of course not, dummy,” Kay whispered.
“I- I-” I started to hiccup.
Everyone was around me, waiting with patience, giving me support.
“I just want to start over as a normal woman.” The words rang through the hollow in my chest. A truth, painful yet freeing. “I want to try being me without having to fight all the time. But I don’t know how.”
“Why didn’t you just say so?” Daria asked, chuckling softly. “We’ll figure it out. Don’t worry. You can let go of the fight. We’ll take care of it.”
It was so hard. That wall had been up for so long. All of my life. But nothing had ever felt so right.
Surrounded by my friends, I could imagine Nell was there too, just out of sight, her arms reaching through to hold me. I could see her warm smile.
You made the right choice.