Water lapped around my ankles. In the distance, I could hear the soft sound of waves, yet the room I stood in was a black box: four walls and a ceiling with no apparent light source. Shadows moved around the edges of the room. They whispered to each other, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
Then one of the shadows stepped forward. As he grew near, his features solidified.
He was skinny and tall, towering over me. His lab coat draped to either side, blocking out the shadows in our periphery and a chemical smell stung my nose. He leaned down and I saw his gaunt expression, self-loathing and love written in equal parts across it.
“Who are you?” he asked.
There were spaces, physical gaps in my body, holes that hadn’t been there before. I felt the absence of things that were important. I didn’t know what those things were but their absence was like a gnawing hunger.
“I don’t know,” I answered.
He frowned. “People always tell parents: act knowing your children are watching. Exemplify the traits you wish to instill in them, don’t just tell them to have it. Well, that’s what I did. I know it hurts. It hurts me too. But that pain is nothing. You can push through it. Helping people, that’s something that lasts.”
He looked past his glasses at me, eyes burning with intense emotion. “You’ll help people, won’t you? Make your father proud.”
“I’ll try,” I said weakly.
The spectre retreated, blending back into the other shadows and another stepped forward.
A woman with blood-red hair and wild eyes.
She smiled playfully. “Who are you?”
“I don’t…” I started, feeling my frustration rise. I knew many things about myself, but everything was all muddled. Nothing sat right, like a shelf that wasn’t level. There was an alarm bell of anxiety going off constantly, telling me that things may never find their true place again. I could be lost like this, a box full of puzzle pieces that didn’t fit together.
“I love her,” the shadow said. “I love you, too. It’s not the same though. My love for you is the love I have for the people that make me feel good just by being next to them. LIke they know how to move and laugh and dance and I get to drink in the joy of being born in the same time as you. I know I tease you a lot but it’s because I love to see how shaking the box makes the pieces that matter stand out so much better. I know you lost some pieces, just…”
A flicker of sadness came across their face.
“It’s okay if you don’t remember me. Just remember the feelings your friends gave you. Treasure them.”
“I’m trying, it’s just so hard,” I whispered.
The spectre danced around me, face coming close to mine before leaving.
The next shadow was shorter than the others, a kid who wasn’t done growing. There was a third eye affixed to his forehead. This was the only eye that was open. Then it morphed into a mouth and spoke,
“Who are you?”
“I don’t know!” I hissed in frustration. “It’s so close but it feels like I’m too afraid to actually open my eyes and look at it.”
The kid took that in, then said, “I’ve been in and out of care. My mom tried her best, but people decided that her best wasn’t good enough. Maybe that was true but sometimes I stay up at night and wonder if she could have turned it around if I had stayed the whole time? But it wasn’t up to me.”
The water was getting higher.
“Sometimes we can’t control everything that happens to us and that sucks. But it’s also so, so cool because, get this: heroes thrive in overcoming what they can’t control. They rally against the odds. They protect, they save! They fall… you’ve fallen a lot.”
The mouth turned back into an eye and this time all three eyes looked up at me with shining admiration. “I know you’re scared. Overcome it. Get back up. Keep fighting. You taught me that.”
The spectre raised their hood and melted into mist.
I expected another guest to follow, but none of the shadows crept any closer. They seemed content to whisper at the edges of my vision, blurring silhouettes together like a time-lapsed photograph. The water had risen to my waist.
I turned around.
There was a woman behind me. She had a massive hole in her chest, as if she was made of dough and a huge cookie-cutter had punched through her.
She just watched me. I raised my hand and she did the same, mirroring me.
“Who are you?” she asked.
I stared at her hand, her face, her eyes.
“Am I… you?”
She shrugged and smiled softly. “Maybe? Let me be clear. This is a gift. You didn’t force me to do this. I saw what you are. I think it’s sad and painful and fun and terrifying all at once. So I think you should be the one who gets to keep going.”
I opened my mouth to respond and she held a finger up to her lips.
“Don’t get me wrong,” she continued. “I got what I wanted. I got to feel something different than… where I was stuck. Trapped in a loop of unchanging thoughts, feeling like there was no way forward. Maybe there was another way. I think your memories have shown me that. But I can’t let them go now, can I? So I think I’ll slip away, feeling happy that someone gets to use what’s left.”
I felt a familiar pang in my chest. “You’re leaving? I don’t want to be alone.”
She shuffled on the spot, looking around the room. “It’s scary, right? It feels a little like dying. But if I don’t, I think you won’t get to have your second chance. We’ll be stuck in this limbo, fighting for control or worse: neither of us gets to drive the bus and something else takes over. So do me a favour, okay?”
Chiara’s eyes glistened.
“This time, live as your true self. And don’t forget about me. Let me live a little longer as a memory in the back of your head.”
I nodded. Chiara waded forward and hugged me and I felt her warmth. Her heart beat closely to mine, until the two beat as one. Soon they were just one heart.
The room began to brighten. I started recognizing the faces of the people at the edges of the room. There was clapping and cheers of celebration. These were the memories that had stayed with me. It wasn’t all of them, but I would hold these ones as precious. They cheered me on, asking me to get up and try again.
“Who are you?” they asked in unison.
A little laugh escaped my lips. Hesitant joy bubbled up in my chest.
“Let’s find out.”
The cheering only got louder as the room was washed away by light.