I saw you dancing.
Emotions swirled like dust in the air. Nothing settled.
“I’ve gotten glimpses before,” Nell said tentatively, “but I didn’t want to push it or ask about it. It felt like you didn’t want to share.”
The irony of that statement wasn’t lost on me. I’d been feeling the same way about Nell’s past. Yet my secret was such a silly thing.
My cheeks flushed and I looked away.
“It’s beautiful. I’ve seen the way you move many times before, but this really showed me why I’ve always admired it. You’re always dancing a bit, even when you’re fighting.”
“Ugh,” I mumbled. “It’s getting harder and harder to look you in the eyes.”
Nell went quiet.
I sighed and turned back. “I don’t know why I’m embarrassed about it. Dancing for me is… it’s the one thing I do for me. Everything else in my life is about other people. University was for other people, the expectation that I should get a good job. Shaping is amazing, but I’ve only ever used it to help you or others. So dancing was this private, selfish thing that I only did for myself. It kind of feels like you caught me singing in the shower.”
“When’s the last time you danced?” Nell asked.
“Well… we’ve been jumping from one crisis to the next. I can’t even remember. And now the studio is gone.”
I hoped that everyone who frequented the dance studio was alright. Anjali, my instructor, would’ve been devastated to leave.
Nell traced a finger over her arm, following the path the silvery threads took next to her veins.
I continued, “It felt good to have goals and the distractions but now I think maybe we’ve both been letting some unhealthy things fester inside.”
Nell nodded.
I mused for a moment in silence.
“Let’s take a break,” I said. “Forget about Organ for a week or two. We can take some time to figure out how we should move forward.”
Nell looked up. “Yeah, I agree.” Then a sly smile crept up her mouth. “But what are you going to do? You don’t strike me as the type to lie down next to me and read for hours.”
“That’s probably a fair assessment,” I admitted. “I never could sit still and study for very long.”
“You did promise you would think about it.”
I knew exactly the ‘it’ she was referring to. She waited, not wanting to breach the subject first.
A trembling sensation came to life in my core. I imagined that maybe this was what it felt like to be pierced by the flying dagger that the Tree had gifted to me. Zola had held onto it, calling it the Heartseeker.
I swallowed and spoke, “I promise I won’t get upset like I did when you first brought it up.”
Nell eyed me seriously. “You said no more running.”
“No more running,” I promised, letting that trembling anxiety sit there, untouched as I waited for Nell’s… prognosis.
Instead after some time deliberating, she scooted backwards so her back was against the bed, then patted the carpet in front of her.
“Sit.”
I scooted forward.
“Turn around.”
I turned and Nell pulled on my hair. I let out a laugh, then realized that she was just combing through it with her fingers.
“I’m gonna braid it,” she announced while finding knots and tugging them loose. Being this physically close to Nell felt scary in a way that was fresh, despite our supernatural connection. But as she fell into a rhythm, combing and gathering my hair into bundles, I felt a little tension slip away each time she pulled on my head.
“You don’t have any siblings, right?” she asked softly.
“Yeah.”
“This is what I imagine having a sister would be like. Fighting and making up. Lots of hair pulling either way.”
The quiet sound of fingers brushing through hair was like distant waves.
“Can you imagine a world where everyone was connected to each other like we are?” I asked. “I had that thought when I saw your memories of your parents. Somehow I could feel their warmth and I…” I started to get a little choked up. “I thought, maybe, that’s what my parents would feel like, too.”
“We should visit them. I can reintroduce myself.”
“Mm,” was all I could muster while fighting back tears.
Nell kept braiding, happy to let our emotions do the talking, two opposing tides flowing in and out in a harmonious exchange.
Then a thought dawned on me.
“My hair never gets in my face anymore,” I stated, dumbfounded.
“Hm?”
“My hair. I’ve been through some seriously messy situations since this all started and not once have I had hair in my face, distracting me.” I tried to turn to Nell and she tsked and yanked down to keep me facing forward. “Did you do that?” I asked.
“You don’t know the half of what I do, Nick,” she murmured. “Balance. Blood flow. Muscle density. Not to mention all the tricks I pull on other people. Keeping your hair nice is small potatoes. I could do that in my sleep.” She paused to consider. “Maybe I have been doing it in my sleep.”
“I’m ashamed that it took me this long to notice,” I said. “I can keep track of like two things tops when it comes to Shaping.”
“But you’re damn good at running and jumping,” Nell said seriously.
I laughed.
We lapsed into silence while Nell finished the braid. When she was done, she reached up to my shoulder and plucked something from the flower that grew there.
I flinched, more surprised than in pain. “Ouch.”
She held up a small ring of plant matter that she had taken to tie up the braid.
“That flower is still attached to your nervous system. It’s a growing thing, after all.”
I brushed the large droopy petals of the plant. “I never asked why you did that.”
“It’s kind of always how I start with Shaping people. Not sure why. But it suits you.”
I turned to give her a look. “That’s probably the first time in history someone has received a compliment on a flower that is grafted to their shoulder.”
“There’s a lot of firsts happening these days, Nick. Are you sure you’re focusing on the right things?” Nell asked, deadpan.
“You’re right. I should stay focused on running and jumping.”
“Don’t forget sucking, you’re really good at that,” Nell managed to get out before her facade cracked and we both laughed.
My eyes dropped back to the new scars on her arms. “Hey, I know we let it drop before, but I feel like it should be addressed. I don’t have an answer for you about what you should do with that pain. I think sharing it with me was a good step, but I’m not going to pretend that those feelings are gone for good.”
Nell shrugged and hugged herself. “I feel better. Really.”
“Well… how’s this?” I don’t want you to ever feel alone again with your feelings. You have me this flower and it’s stayed with me all this time. How about I give you something too? So that you won’t forget that we’re in this together.”
Nell nodded, looking up expectantly. I reached up and brushed the hair away from her ear. Then I pinched it.
Nell flinched. “Ouch!”
I took my hand away. Her ear was pierced by a small white bone that looked like a miniature tree. She touched it, eyes widening. I got out my phone so she could look at herself with the camera.
“I love it!” Nell breathed. “Do the other one!”
I obliged, adorning her other ear with one that looked like a small spiralling flower. She demanded two more on her upper ear before she was satisfied, grinning excitedly while a little blood dripped from her earlobes. The carpet was already fucked anyway.
I played some music on my phone and we just lay on the bed and listened for a while.
Footsteps occasionally passed by in the hallway outside. I wondered if Mac was looking for me after I’d abruptly left our conversation.
“Hey.”
“Mm?”
Nell raised her head from the bed. “You said once that when you look in the mirror, you don’t see a man. Would you care if you were a woman?”
I sighed. “I don’t know what being a woman feels like. I just never felt like masculinity has ever mattered to me. It was just the easiest route, the path of least resistance.”
“Do you want to try being a woman?”
I let that sink in. “Uh. That’s a wild suggestion.”
Nell sat up and twisted her hands in her lap. “I just… when you said that your body doesn’t feel like yours, I hated that. Don’t you want to try something to fix it?”
Did I?
“You said you see Shaping as something you do for other people. But this could be Shaping for you. We could just do a little. Like, I’m already making small changes to your body all the time anyway. We could tweak a few things. See if it makes you feel differently?” Nell stared at her hands and rushed through the words, like she wanted to get it all out before I could reply. “And if you don’t like it, no sweat! We could stop. Or try something different. I-”
Talking about it didn’t make the anxiety go away. In fact, the fluttering feeling in my chest only got harder to ignore. But I didn’t shy away.
“Okay.”
“If it feels like I’m pushing too much, it’s just I want to do something for you.”
“I said okay.”
Nell looked up.
I smiled. “Let’s experiment a little. Thanks for being so laissez-faire about it.”
Nell shrugged. “You look good with a braid and flowers.”
I put my head in my hands. “I can handle casual discussions of gender better than I can handle your compliments.”
“And I’m also gonna start running.”
“Now you’ve lost me.”
“Sorry, that was a non-sequitur, Dr. Fancy Words.”
“What, Laissez? Yeah, I don’t know where I got that.”
“I’m serious though,” Nell said. “I’m going to start training. I’m sick of you always running away from me. I get out of breath and then I just feel awful as you get closer and closer to being out of my range.”
“Ah. Sorry, I might have a habit of charging in without much thought,” I said sheepishly.
“Yes. Yes you do.”
“I think it’s a good idea. Maybe H.E.S.P. could even teach you some self-defense. Just in case you need it.”
“I hear dancing is good at building stamina,” Nell ventured.
“Uhuh.”
“Maybe you could teach me a few moves sometime?”
I hung my head. “I’ll think about it.”
“It was such a beautiful memory.”
“Arrrrrgh. Okay you did that one on purpose.”
Nell did her best to look innocent through her impish grin.
“I swear you’re trying to drive me out of this room. Are you sure you’re going to be okay tonight by yourself?”
“I’ll be okay,” Nell assured me. “Besides, we’re never really apart, are we?” She said while touching her new piercings.
I smiled and stood from the bed. “Have a good night, Nell.”
“Good night. Thanks for everything.”
I left the room and couldn’t really stop smiling. I’d braved the ocean and it turned out the water was fine. There was pain there, but also support and love. A balance, I supposed.
Nell’s emotions intermingled with mine as I found my bed and drifted into sleep. A break sounds nice.