The Director brought us to a private room with seating and a table to one side with refreshments. Nell idled by the snacks without eating anything. She just toyed with the cutlery while I eyed the Director, trying to get a handle on what they truly wanted.
The Director sat patiently, stirring their cup of tea.
“I’m going to go,” Nell said quietly.
“Of course, it’s been a long day,” the Director replied. “Ask any of the staff about lodgings. They’ve already been prepared for you.”
My connection to Nell was weighing on me, the constant presence of something I wasn’t supposed to look at felt like someone had their hands around my neck, clammy and uncomfortable.
I rolled my shoulders, trying to lose the tension. “If we’re supposed to trust you, then I have demands,” I said.
The Director took a tentative sip of their tea and winced at the temperature. “Demands? That isn’t how to earn trust, Nick. Joint cooperation builds trust.”
“Then cooperate with what I want,” I retorted, eyeing an empty chair. It looked soft and cozy. I imagined myself curling up in it and falling asleep. But I couldn’t. I needed to be wary, alert. So tiresome.
The Director lowered the cup to their lap, using it to warm their hands instead. “I will do what I can, to the extent that I think would be in both of our best interests.”
“I want to know everything you know about Organ and those things I keep seeing in the sky. They’re connected to the Beacon.”
The Director nodded. “Astustely observed. I will share all that we know. But this is not the time for it.”
“Why do I suspect that the time will never come?”
“Because you have no trust in me,” the Director said with a soft smile and tried the tea again, finding it drinkable this time.
I sighed. “You know, I’m starting to think that you’re not very well liked, Director.”
“And why is that?”
“Because you treat everyone like children. Smiling to their faces and nodding along, but you don’t give them any control.”
The Director shrugged, tea cup still at their lips. “People are children in a lot of ways. Even fully matured, we all still need the same things a child does: nourishment, encouragement, admonishment, love. I see no difference between those who try to hide their needs behind lofty ideals and those who display their base desires openly. But you don’t need any of those things from me, do you?”
I said nothing, my stomach was churning and the feeling was spreading to the rest of my body.
“Don’t you think it would be best to discuss such important topics with your partner present?” they asked.
I started. It still felt as though Nell were right next to me. I’d been tiredly trying to avoid the deep waters. It lapped against the edges of my mind even now. But Nell wasn’t here. She’d left without me realizing it.
I bit my lip until it hurt. Hesitation felt like poison, but I truly didn’t know what was the right path. Leave it? Intrude? After what the Witch of Organ said about her past?
The Director set down the cup and stood. “I understand your impatience, Nick. But let’s have this conversation another time. Perhaps when you’ve finished gathering your allies.”
“Gathering?” I asked as they walked past me.
“Of course. We will need more members to flesh out the H.E.S.P. Shaper division. I’m giving you authority to pick a few you want by your side. I’ll be adding a few of my own. There is a Witch and Wolf duo that are very eager to be part of your team.”
“Why do they want to work with us?”
“I would ask them that yourself. You’ll meet them soon.”
Before the Director could open the door, it opened on its own. Mac stood outside. He met my eyes and I felt a lump in my throat. The Director clapped a hand on Mac’s shoulder as they walked past him and said, “Mac will be the lead on the Shaper division. I heard that you are old friends. Consider these favors to be part of my extension of trust in you, Nick. Have a good night.”
They left me and Mac in a standoff of uncomfortable silence. Mac was first to break it.
“Nick,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” I asked with faux lightness. There was too much going on, it made looking at Mac too complicated, bringing up fondness and resentment in equal parts. “You didn’t do anything.”
“Yeah, that sounds about right. I wasn’t there. I could have warned you better. H.E.S.P. had me on containment duty, making sure whatever grew out of Sillwood wouldn’t spread. But I could have been with you, fighting with you.”
“You knew,” I whispered. “You knew what Organ was. Why couldn’t you just tell me?”
Mac sighed and stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. “I was hoping that you would let it go. I’m good at compartmentalizing. I can have this just be my job. An important job, but still just a fraction of my life. I knew that if you knew everything about Organ it would consume you, you’d throw your whole life into it.”
“I’m so sorry that I can’t just let this go.” Antlers spilled from my arms, scratching against the floor, poking holes in the seat cushions.
Mac watched the bones twist and curve. “I realized that in hindsight, of course. But I didn’t have the full picture of what Organ had planned for Sillwood, none of us did. If they had just picked a different city, you might never have gotten dragged into this.”
“That was never going to happen,” I said bitterly. “Nell was too important to them. And I’m just not the person you used to know.”
“That, I don’t believe,” Mac said firmly. “Despite everything, you’ve stayed the same.”
I shook my head, looking everywhere in the room that wasn’t Mac.
“I read the reports,” he said. “You saved people, you stopped the Beacon and Alek. The people out there should be celebrating what you and your friends did.”
“That’s not what happened,” my voice was hoarse. “Nell-”
I flinched, grabbing my arm as a jolt of pain shot through it. Why? I stared at my skin. The cold pain throbbed, empty and far away…
The vast ocean stood between me and Nell.
“Out of my way,” I said numbly.
“Nick,” Mac said, taken aback. “I’m not expecting you to forgive me, but I-”
I snapped the branches from my arms and pushed past him, flinging the door open. Where? The waters pulled me towards Nell.
“Nick, what’s going on?” Mac called after me.
I ignored him and dashed down the hallway, eliciting alarmed cries from people I rushed past.
Nell was hurting. Blood was everywhere in the water, trailing a path down into the deep. An attack? Inside the base?
I leaped over the heads of a crowd of people wearing lab-coats, then skidded around a corner. The hallways all looked the same but I was drawn towards Nell like a magnet. Through the cafeteria and into dormitories.
There. I saw the door to the room she was in and reached for the handle.
“Stop!” Nell’s voice cracked. “D-don’t come in.”
The hesitation slammed into me, stopping me in my tracks. I stood at the true edge of the waters. The shore was not a steady decline, if I took one more step, I would drop into the abyss.
And I could hear Nell crying. Alone and ashamed. There was no enemy to fight off and that was somehow worse.
“Sorry… I’m sorry,” she sobbed.
I thought of Mac as I stared at that door. I’m not going to repeat your mistakes. I won’t do nothing.
I swung the door open. Nell sat on the floor, curled up into the smallest ball. She hugged herself, blood soaking into the fabric where her arms met her shirt. A stained kitchen knife lay on the carpet.
She looked up and her eyes were drowning in tears.
“That’s enough,” I said quietly. “I’m done being scared.”
“What?” she sniffed, looking so ashamed.
I knelt beside her, holding out my arms. “That pain. Share it with me. All of it.”
She turned away and shook her head, curls of hair falling in front of her eyes so that all I could see was her teeth digging into her lip. “I can’t,” she cried.
“Why not?”
“You heard it from her. I turned my parents into puppets. All because I didn’t want to be alone. I can’t be selfish like that again. Never again.”
I knelt and the words spilled from my heart to my mouth. “Then why bother? All the way back when I saw you for the first time and you made that connection. Why reach out to me then?”
“I… I just didn’t want to be alone anymore.”
“Then don’t be,” I begged, feeling fat tears plop from my cheeks onto my outstretched arms. “Please.”
Nell fell forward, butting her head against my chest. “I keep hurting people. They’re right to blame me for what happened, because if I really wanted to stop, how come it keeps happening? I reach out and try to be understood and it all goes to shit.”
She took a shuddering breath. “So I should just stop. But then where do I put all this pain? I can’t give it to you. I’m afraid it will twist you. I don’t want to do that to you.”
“I’m afraid too. Afraid to change. Terrified of it, since the day I met you. I fought so hard to keep my distance, but it was useless. We’re in this together and I’m happier for it. I think I can muster up the courage to take a leap of faith. But only if you jump with me.”
She finally met my eyes through her dark locks of hair.
Then she gently draped her cut and bleeding arms against mine.
I began to take. Drawing in her blood and torn skin into my own. But at the same time I gave. Silvery threads of bone melted like gossamer into her arms.
The memories that came were stifling.
Years of white walls, isolation, with short bursts of wailing voices and mind-numbing colour. I saw it all play out in reverse, each experiment a jarring crescendo already at its peak, withering away into fear. Nell was told to warp people again and again.
And she obeyed, because at least plants didn’t look at her with fear and didn’t flinch at her touch. They were constant, content, and beautiful. They had no eyes that looked at her and told her what she really was: a monster. Those eyes that weighed her life and found her despicable, stripping her of her right to a human existence. So she planted flowers in their stead.
Until the day came, playing out in reverse. The white walls receding into the distance, replaced by a dark forest. Her parents hung like mannequins, limbs stained with dirt, flowers in their eyes.
But as time continued to move backwards, the flowers shrunk back into eyes full of joy and love. The forest melted away and a peaceful village came into view. Her parents held her hands and walked with her, smiling and laughing as they raised her off the ground, flying for brief moments between each step. I felt the warmth of their hands and I clung tightly to them. Warmth pulsed across our connection like a soft blanket.
I awoke from the vision, to the sight of Nell staring anxiously at me, holding my hands tightly. The warmth was still there. Her arms were healed, covered in silvery marks like white roots just beneath the skin.
“See?” I murmured. “I’m still here. Not a puppet.”
She sobbed a laugh and buried her face in my arms. I hugged her.
“I saw your parents,” I said. “They loved you.”
“Mm.”
I let the moment sit.
Until a thought dawned on me.
“What did you see?”
Nell let out a tiny pulse of happiness. She spoke with relish, “I saw you dancing.”