The cable car gondola rocked slightly as we entered and sat. The interior was painted green with matching seats that had a retro feel, like an old cafeteria. Plastic panelling lined the windows, scratched up by likely decades of use.
The forest was a national park. Conservation efforts had made it so that Sillwood wouldn’t lose these woods to the industries of tourism, lumber, or downhill skiing. That being said, the hike to the Sill was a popular one, even when the weather was starting to grow colder. We’d mitigated what could have been a very busy trail by coming in the afternoon when Sillwood locals would be at work.
Nell pressed her forehead against the window, watching the city grow smaller as we ascended. I sat across from her, watching her troubled expression as she tightly held her bag stuffed full of newly borrowed books. She was looking at the Old Town.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I can’t put my finger on it,” she said. “But something doesn’t feel right. Like I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye, but it’s with my sixth sense. Something familiar.”
The gondola brought us higher, but also horizontally further from the Sill. We’d have to hike the forest trail to get closer to it. That also meant that we didn’t have a great view of the Old Town, which perhaps in the greater scheme of things was good, because that meant random tourists wouldn’t spot something strange, like the Goblin on one of his warpaths.
“Maybe I’m just anxious,” Nell mumbled, touching a lock of her newly cut hair.
“I trust your intuition,” I said. “Keep tabs on it. Let me know if anything sets it off. If we can keep Sullivan’s Ring afloat after the Jiezhi make their move, we might finally have some resources to pursue that feeling, see where it goes.”
The gondola arrived at the end of its climb and we exited out, heading for the clearly marked trail. It was a beautiful day, although maybe a little cold. Wind moved through the canopy of spruce and cedar branches, making fractal shadows dance on the forest floor. The air smelled of pine and wildflowers. Birdsong tumbled down from above, the birds themselves more easily spotted by their flitting shadows than their actual forms.
I let Nell lead the way down the path. Her very presence warped the forest as she absently touched her surroundings with her power. Trees creaked and budded with new growth. Flowers multiplied and seemed to shift near imperceptibly in colour. The forest breathed as Nell did, expanding and filling up with new life.
“You’re still getting stronger,” I remarked.
“You are too,” Nell replied. “Shaping is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.”
“It’s hard to compare though. I’m not the one influencing an entire ecosystem with my thoughts.”
Nell faltered and the forest grew still.
“It’s good. Don’t stop,” I said. “I think it’s reassuring how confident you’ve become.”
Nell continued walking, resuming her fae practice, if a bit more subtly.
“You should stop holding back,” I said.
“I don’t think that would be good,” Nell said quietly.
“Are you thinking of those Jiezhi you killed? Just remember that our enemies won’t be holding back either.”
Nell stopped and turned back to me. Worry radiated off of her. “And if I hurt people I don’t mean to?”
“I don’t think we always have the convenience of deciding who should be hurt by our actions and who shouldn’t. Acting in the moment is more important. Mistakes will happen and we will feel awful when they do. But we can’t play this role while fearing every potential outcome.”
Nell gave me a small smile. “That sounds like you. It’s been your modus operandi this whole time, act first and consider later.”
I glanced out into the swaying trees, feeling her words strike home.
“And you’re selling yourself short on your strength. I think there’s a lot more to uncover about your powers as a Wolf. It’s most apparent when you inject people with datura. I can’t quite put my finger on it but… you seem to be giving them something more. It feels almost like the Tree. A signal, a sharing of tissue and mind. Like the opposite of what happens when you assimilate an entire person.
I took that in. “You think I’m giving people something? Isn’t that a bad thing? Especially if it’s an enemy.”
“Have you thought about how our interests and personalities influence our Shapes?” Nell asked. “I understand that for Casts it doesn’t seem to work that way, almost like Dice has prebuilt Shapes it gives people. But Alek seems to love music and he has those tuning forks he Shaped.”
“And you have your love of plants,” I surmised. “I don’t think I understand how that tracks to me though. Fragile bones? Memory eating?”
“Hollow bones. That can be filled with things, coming and going. The memory thing… I don’t have a clean answer, but have you thought that maybe you just want to understand people?”
I laughed. “That’d be nice. I don’t think I’m very good at understanding people. Every conversation I have it feels like I fucked something up. With Mac, with Richard, even Kay and Tom.”
“Mmm. Communication. It’s difficult. If only there was a way we could all exist and present our wants and needs without being misunderstood.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible. I think even if we understood each other entirely, there would still be clashes of wants and needs. People would still get hurt. Maybe even more so.”
We reached a look-out point that surveyed the city down below. We weren’t at the edge of the cliff, as it was still unstable and barred from public access. This meant the Oldtown was out of sight, but the towering skyscrapers of the downtown area dominated the skyline.
“It’s prettier at night,” I said.
“What do you think about Sillwood?” Nell asked.
“Hm? Well, it’s my home. I grew up here and I’ve never really thought about leaving. The ugly parts of it have obviously been more apparent to me recently. The drugs, the violence, the abuse. But that isn’t different from anywhere else in the world. It’s just a place… And you? You’ve been here for a while now. What do you think of it?”
Nell shivered a bit from the breeze. It was going to get a lot colder soon. Autumn was always too short. “I can’t see the whole thing yet. Before this, I would often get moved from place to place. Nothing really feels like home when you don’t remember what home used to feel like. But, if it is a cage, it’s a lot bigger than my past ones. An upgrade.” She grinned at me. “Maybe when I leave, I’ll get this homesick feeling I’ve only ever read about.”
“Thinking about leaving?” I asked as I moved over to block the wind for her.
Nell stepped in and put her head on my shoulder. “I’ll leave when you do.”
“That’s a promise, then.”
Nell didn’t say much as we hiked back and took the gondola back down to the city. It was never really quiet when we were together. Emotional waves lapped gently at the edges of my consciousness, just as Nell experienced the same. It was a coexistence that felt comfortable in a way I never would have guessed at the beginning of all of this.
We joined the bustle of people using the subway to get to the city center and even surrounded by so much noise, we could have a conversation, wordless and genuine.
Somehow even with the crowds, we ended up in a subway car with only a few other passengers. An old lady sitting across from us made eye contact and smiled.
Nell’s shoulder pressed against mine and I suddenly felt very aware of my body and hers. It was confusing. This kind of physical intimacy was likely being viewed by the lady as romantic or at least familial. But I didn’t know what that felt like. What Nell and I had wasn’t romantic, I didn’t see it that way anyway. Would she say the same?
“She’s nodded off,” the old lady said, wrinkling her eyes fondly.
I realized with a start that the ‘conversation’ I’d been having across our connection was with Nell’s sleeping mind. Her neck was bent at an awkward angle. The urge to make her more comfortable fought with the desire to not wake her.
“Long day of fun?” the lady asked.
“Yeah,” I replied, giving her a polite smile.
“It’s lucky then that it’s gotten so quiet,” she said, gazing around the empty subway car. The other passengers had already stepped off at their stations.
The woman had gray hair that was braided neatly, falling across her lap.
“And you? Did you have fun today?” I asked.
“Oh, in a sense. The work itself is dull, but the excitement for what comes next makes it fun.”
“What do you do?”
“Managing people. I won’t bore you with the details. Are you from the city?”
“Yeah. Born and raised here.”
She nodded and smiled. “It’s a lovely place. I also grew up here, although I wasn’t born here, I immigrated at an early age.” She adjusted her sitting position. “Perhaps I can share a bit about my past? If you’ll entertain the prattling of an old lady to pass the time?”
“Feel free. I’m trying not to move too much,” I said, gesturing with my eyes at Nell.
“When my parents moved here, they quickly discovered that their expertise was not welcome. Such things needed to be backed by documents and certificates, and the ones that they brought with them were no good, according to the powers that be. But we adapted to the hand dealt to us. My dad found ways to earn enough money to keep us afloat. That worked for a time. But the law caught up with him eventually. He learned too late that the law here was harsher, he wouldn’t be receiving a tap on the wrist and a fine. Instead, a five year sentence.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“He’d been using identification that wasn’t his own. To work odd jobs, get loans, and to drive. Things he could do legally if he had enough money to begin with. Without my father, my mother couldn’t support all of my siblings and I. Finding work was hard, her English wasn’t very good. What she did make was not enough to provide for us. On the outside, she was all tired smiles and reassurances that everything would be okay. But she was actually falling to despair. That hopelessness accumulated and ultimately she took her own life, rather than face the guilt of choosing which of us she would have to give to foster care.”
My muscles were starting to get sore from holding the same position. “That’s awful.”
“It was a reality check. I learned early that these false fronts we present to the world can be used to hurt us. The city wasn’t kind to my father when it learned he had a mask he shouldn’t have. My mother couldn’t bear the weight of the mask she showed me and my siblings, never revealing how much sorrow she held inside.”
“I can’t imagine. Did things ever get better for you?”
She smiled. “It did. I found my one true love. We found the art in living together.”
“That’s a relief to hear.”
“Such a pretty pair of masks we wore. Perhaps my favorite.”
I paused at that. “Is it a mask if it’s true love?”
“Yes, unfortunately even the most pleasant masks are stifling when worn too long. I long to strip off each and every one, so I can finally breathe freely. I want to do that for you too.”
I gave another polite smile and shifted a bit, uncomfortable.
“The city has its masks, long established, long enforced with a firm hand. It chewed up my parents, punishing them for wearing them wrong. I hope with my work that kind of thing won’t happen anymore. It might hurt for a time, it might leave the skin feeling raw, but it will be worth it when we gaze upon each other’s true faces.”
The way she spoke had almost religious undertones. “Sounds important. Are you a politician?”
“No. Just a stick in the cogs of the city.”
“Ah, not someone I would recognize on the news then.”
She tittered. “You wouldn’t recognize me, but we have met.”
“Oh?” I said suddenly feeling off kilter. I sat up. Nell’s eyes fluttered open and she yawned.
“What’s your name?” I asked tensely.
“It’s —
I blinked and touched my arm, feeling a random twinge.
The woman looked at me expectantly.
“What was that? I must have missed it.”
“But I spoke clearly,” she said, amused. “Did you forget it that quickly?”
I was quiet. When had my heart started to beat so loudly?
The subway came to a halt.
“This is your stop.”
“Right,” I muttered, standing and quickly exiting the subway car. I couldn’t remember what exactly the old woman had said that made me creeped out, but I was in a hurry to distance ourselves from her.
It was always shoulder-to-shoulder on weekdays at the downtown stations.
Nell said something to me.
—
My head felt like a sledgehammer had smashed against it.
ALARM.
It was as if I was waking from a deep sleep. Nell’s emotions forced their way down my throat, driving away the stupor. I glanced around, searching for her, but I could only see the sea of people hurrying on their way to their destination.
Nell’s emotions slammed against my head, DANGER.
“What is it, Nell?!” I shouted, blinking rapidly. What had happened? She had been right next to me.
—
“Nell?” I asked. Glancing behind me was difficult somehow. I felt sluggish. She wasn’t behind me. We had stepped off the subway together… And then… What?
I brought my hand up to my head, feeling dizzy. Something red on my arm caught my eye. Sharp, dotted wound arranged in half-circles. There were… bite marks on my arm. My stomach lurched. When did this happen? Some of the wounds were fresh, blood running down my arm and soaking into my rolled up sleeves. Others were already dried.
Nell blasted me with emotion. Emotion that screamed at me to use my power. I shook my head in confusion. She felt so far away. Why would Nell tell me to Shape here? It would not go unnoticed.
—
“Are you okay?”
“Hm?” I asked.
The concerned passerby pointed. I looked at them, then down at my bloodied arm. They were about to say something when another person shoved them away.
“He’s fine, aren’t you, Nick?”
The young man had bleached blond hair and wore a facemask with cutesy cartoon shark teeth on it. I could tell he had an ear-to-ear grin under there by the way his cheeks were raised. He leaned in as if to tell me a secret and lifted his mask with a thumb. His teeth were razor sharp points, glistening with fresh blood.
My gaze slid down to a pile of spilled books on the ground.
“Have you figured it out yet? The Ghost Queen sends her regards.”