I lay in bed, alternating between scrolling on my phone and creating tiny growths of antler out of my arm. Nip, my cat, would wiggle his butt, pupils growing large before pouncing at the growth. I would quickly pull the branch back in and he would bat at the spot where they had vanished. There was something incredibly reassuring about Nip not treating me any different since I got my powers. Granted, I hadn’t exactly gone full armour mode at my house, but his nonchalance seemed to say “humans are always doing stuff I don’t understand, so who cares”. Maybe the antlers still smelled like me.
It had been a day since Graham had taken the news of the joint plot by the Jiezhi and the Fedyaev family to Sullivan. We would see soon what his response would be.
In the meantime, I was left contemplating what I should do. It felt like a big target was painted on me and Nell’s backs. There was a limit to how much Sullivan would care about upholding his promise of protection. But backing out would just mean things would get worse faster. I wanted to somehow strike at Organ before that happened, but we had no real way to do so.
I sat up in bed as a jolt of emotion ran through me. What the hell was that? Surprise compounded on itself, then came realization, followed by a divergence as I felt relief that it was just Nell, while she grew into a strange sense of foreboding.
Moments later, my phone rang.
“Sorry, that was a bit of a shock,” Nell said.
“No worries, are you coming over?” I asked.
“I’m still at Kay’s place.”
I let that sink in before responding, “Your range is getting larger?”
“Yeah,” she said softly. “I thought maybe I was imagining it but this proves it.”
“That’s good, right? You will be able to reach further.”
“Are you upset? I got the impression that you liked having time separated from our connection.”
I tapped around aimlessly on my phone as I thought about it. “It was exhausting at first, always trying to find the line that divided our thoughts. I was so worried about losing myself in your emotions. But that never happened, even when I let my guard down. And now I’m actually relieved. Things are getting worse in Sillwood. I’m happy to always have such a convenient way to check on you.”
“Aww. So you do care about me,” Nell joked.
“I do,” I answered seriously.
That made a tremor of guilt run through the connection. I could guess as to why.
“Do you want to talk more about those Jiezhi you killed?” I asked gently.
Nell was silent on the other end of the call.
“It was terrifying to see,” I admitted while stroking Nip’s head. “But I also felt this kind of relief? Like I was glad that you had that much power. I feel like you’ll need it for when Organ comes to find you again.”
“Back when I was with them,” Nell began, “I had a book on environmentalism. But the people at Organ must have not read it very carefully. It was educational, sure, but by the end the author was quite despairing. They counted each human life as a net negative against the rest of life continuing on. Plants, animals, even the earth seems to suffer wherever we walk. We can’t seem to stop ourselves. The author seemed to think that there was no way out except for something radical. By the end, their ranting about titans rising from the sea, incarnations of the earth’s retribution against us.”
I listened, not wanting to interrupt.
“I’m worried that there will come an opportunity for me to do something radical, and I won’t have the will to not take it.”
“You’ll… enact retribution?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “An unproportional retaliation, not just against Organ, but against humanity. I spent so long building up that resentment. I thought that humanity could burn if it wasn’t willing to give me an ounce of compassion. Organ taught me to enact that rage. And now it feels like it’s wired into my bones. I can’t just let it go.”
“That’s pretty heavy.”
“What if I’m just a monster?” Nell’s voice caught on the words. “What if we try all we might to pile on good things and new friends, but underneath it all, I’m still just a bundle of pain waiting to break free?”
“I don’t have an answer for you,” I said slowly.
Nell gave a half-hearted chuckle. “I didn’t expect you to.”
“But just remember that I’ll be there, too. Monster or not. I’m pretty committed at this point.”
Somehow I had ended up opening the phone app and staring at my own reflection on the screen. Something still felt off about it, after Nell had reverted her changes.
“Heck, I might join in,” I said thoughtfully. “Could be fun. Cause if you are a monster, you’re a gentle one, for the most part. We can be gentle monsters together.”
Nell made an amused noise and my reflection smiled.
What was it about my appearance that felt wrong? I couldn’t put a finger on it. I was beginning to think that maybe that feeling had always been there and that the Shaping had just called attention to it. I opened up my photos app. There weren’t many pictures of me in here. Just one from the arcade. I had taken a picture of a crane game. All of our faces could be seen in the reflection of the glass, peering in on the stuffed prizes. I hardly recognized myself. This isn’t helping.
“Anyway, what are you worried most about right now?” Nell asked.
I sighed. “I’ve had this thought ever since yesterday that I should probably get my parents to leave the city at least until all of this blows over. There’s no guarantee they won’t be in danger.”
“But?” Nell prodded.
“But that means telling them everything. Probably giving a demonstration as well. It’s… it’s scary. I can’t help but feel that it’s a decision that may end up haunting me forever, no matter what I decide.”
“They love you,” Nell stated simply. “I don’t think knowing the truth would change that.”
“Maybe,” I said, unconvinced. “But I just get the feeling that it would mean the end of what we have right now. Maybe there would be something after, but it wouldn’t be the same.”
I glanced at the time. “And then there’s school. I’ve been falling behind. Scoring poorly on tests and missing assignments. I just can’t muster the effort. I think I should just drop out.”
“What about Kay, Tom, and Bailey?” Nell asked.
“Well… that’s why I’m going to school today,” I said as I sat up and grabbed my backpack. “I need to have a chat with one B.”
—
Nell and I arrived at school during the lunch hour. In the cafeteria, at the usual spot, we found Tom, Kay, and Bailey. Tom noticed us first as we approached. His eyebrows shot up and he raised his hands.
“Heyyy! If it isn’t the guy who missed the opportunity of his lifetime. How could you, man?”
I took a seat beside Bailey, while Nell sat next to Kay and Tom. “Let me guess, tryouts happened?”
Tom blinked for a second and dropped his hands. “Oh yeah… Yeah! That was definitely what I was going to say.” He pulled a hurt expression. “How could you!”
Kay smiled. “But besides that, he was talking about the arcade. They’ve got a prize for jumping on top of this big box in one go.”
I kept a straight face so only Nell knew I was smiling inside. “You know, I’m more than just a pair of legs, Tom.”
Tom crossed his arms. “Well, you don’t give me a lot to work with. I’m not at home, stalking you on socials just so I can be the funny guy at school.” He turned to Bailey and pointed at his styled red hair that was tapered on the sides. “Do you think I give off ‘funny side character’ vibes with this haircut? I’m obviously the protagonist… Or the school bully.”
Bailey didn’t look up from their phone as she replied. “You give off ‘extra who moves around too much and has to get kicked off the set’ kinda vibes.” They turned to me, meeting my eyes for the first time today. “You get those notes I sent you for class?”
I blinked. “No?”
They frowned. “Really, are you sure? Do we need to chat about that?”
I looked at the others. “Uh.”
Kay was looking straight ahead at nothing with a smile on her face. Tom had his face screwed up in an exaggerated expression of disgust.
“What the fuck, Bailey?” Tom said, the look of comical derision still on his face. “Just pretend you’re in love with him or something. That would be more believable than this shit.”
Kay chuckled. “The last time Bailey took notes was in grade three I think.”
Bailey shot everyone a glare, me included. “Just trying to not make it awkward.”
Kay waved us on. “Wasn’t until you made up that lame excuse. I’ll keep Tom entertained while you talk.”
“Actually,” Nell said, taking my spot across the table from Tom. A sly grin spread across her face. “I can tell you a bit more about Nick, if you’d like.
“Ohhhh?” Tom said, mimicking her grin.
I groaned as I followed Bailey out of the cafeteria. “Let’s do this quick so I can salvage some shred of dignity.”
Bailey led me down some stairs into the basement and stopped at the bottom, in the stairwell.
They regarded me with shrewd eyes, their piercings moving with their eyebrows. “I think we both know what this is about.”
I nodded impassively. “I’m surprised it took you this long to figure it out.”
Bailey made a frustrated noise. “I’ve been busy. Honestly, I thought I was hallucinating after everything that happened last night, until I was reviewing the drone footage this morning when I found a good still of your faces. Fucking hell, what are the chances…”
“You could have just asked me.”
“You spoke differently!” they said defensively.
“I was shot? You do remember me getting shot, right?”
They glared at me through black makeup.
I shifted uncomfortably. “Listen, I’m in the same boat as you. I don’t want anyone knowing about my less-than-legal activities. So if you’re worried about me snitching on you-”
“No. That’s not what I’m worried about. I swear I’m surrounded by well-meaning idiots. Look,” they rubbed their temples, “I’ve made it this far with the Rings because I’m fucking careful. I remove traces, I spoof IPs, I don’t ever bring home tech I used during a mission. My two lives stay divided with a huge red line. I do it for two reasons. The obvious one is personal safety. But the other reason is because of dumbfucks like you and those two out there,” they gestured up the stairs.
“If those two knew I’d been kidnapped, they wouldn’t ask questions. They’d take that bullet if it meant saving me, just like you did. They don’t fucking think. You’re just like them. So I’m warning you now,” they jabbed a finger into my chest. “Don’t bring them into this. Don’t even mention what you did. Don’t show up to school if you get hurt and can’t hide it. Lying is no good. That’s something they’re smart at seeing through.”
“I understand.”
“Good.” Bailey took a slow breath and their expression switched quickly to satisfaction. “Good job on the printers by the way. I have full access to the firmware on the ones you managed to access. I’ve been leading the Jiezhi on, pretending the printers are fixed just to fuck with their next print.”
“That’s good to hear. How much time did we earn ourselves?”
Bailey shrugged. “We’re delaying the inevitable. The Jiezhi alone would be too much for Sullivan to handle. With the Fedyaevs? We’re going to be steamrolled. Which is why I’m staying out of it. Violence gets us nowhere.”
I winced. “Violence got you out of that highrise. Besides, how much do you know about Shaping? It may not be as one sided as you think.”
“I know enough to stay clear of it. You should see shit the governments around the globe have been trying to censor online. It’s-”
A noise sounded from behind us. It sounded like a groan, making us both turn to look. There was a door labeled as the janitor’s closet in the stairwell that the sound had emanated from.
Bailey swore in surprise. “I thought we were alone.”
We stood and listened. Another muffled noise. It sounded like a person.
“Let’s cut the chat for now,” Bailey whispered. I nodded and we ascended the stairs back to the cafeteria.
Tom nodded sagely as we sat down. “I see, I see. So he’s into that, huh.”
I sighed as I sat and laid my head on the table. “I’m not even going to ask.”
“No, there’s no shame in being into that at his age…” I heard Tom breathe deeply next to me. “You were right about the floral scent though. What is that, hyacinth?”
I felt the flower on my shoulder shift.
“You’re right! How did you know?” Nell said, grinning impishly at me.
Tom puffed out his chest. “I have the nose of a sommelier. Give me some wine, I’ll tell you whose feet crushed the grapes… That sounded kind of perverted, this is undermining my attempt to make Nick sound like a freak.”
I let the idle chatter wash over me. It was calming. Just knowing I could sit still and have a normal conversation. I glanced at Nell. Her face hid nothing. We were still human.