WnW 4.20

Do you want to be a woman?

Nell’s earnest question rang in my head like a bell that couldn’t be unrung. After I grew used to the noise being there, my first reaction was anger. Why would she ask me that? Was I not doing a good enough job? It irked me. Aaron, Richard, Chase, they all called me weak. I didn’t need to hear that from someone who was supposed to be on my side.

I was fuming as we traveled to the meeting place. I knew Nell could feel my emotions, but I didn’t care.

Then I checked myself. I was the one who associated Nell’s question with that implication. That was awful. I didn’t think of women like that. Why did I jump to that conclusion? Had I been influenced by the words of people that clearly didn’t care about me? Today felt like a bad day but nothing bad had even happened. Negative emotions were swirling around my head like gnats. I was reading into Nell’s innocent question because of my mood. She really just wanted to know.

Night had come, hiding Nell’s expression as we walked past a series of apartment buildings in various stages of construction. Sillwood was expanding to the east, creating housing that would be quickly bought up by new additions to the growing population.

“Nell,” I said, broaching the subject. “I’m sorry. I’ve been stewing when I should have just talked to you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she said quietly.

I felt a twinge of guilt. “That was on me. It shouldn’t have. It’s just a question. I think the reason I was offended is because it struck a nerve and I wanted to avoid that discomfort.”

A strong wind whipped down the street, unhindered by the usual windbreaks that would be here once this place became fully realized as part of the city. Obstacles like plants, cars, fences, and the walls that were still missing on some of these projects. A flock of birds flew from one unfinished structure to the next, only visible against the soft glow painted by the city lights onto the sky.

I leaned into the wind, feeling it support me. Once it died down, I pushed the hair out of my face and said, “If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t have a strong grasp on that part of me. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a man.”

Nell opened her mouth to say something and I held up a hand, stopping her.

“That doesn’t mean I want to be a woman. I… I just don’t know,” I said, gesturing at my own arms. “I feel removed from it. Like I don’t get to participate. I’m just living in this skin and on the worst days? On the worst days it doesn’t feel like mine. It’s easier if I just don’t think about it at all.”

We stayed silent for a while, just listening to the crows and seagulls argue with each other and the sound of gravel crunching under our shoes.

Nell spoke, “After Cathrow, you told me more about your relationship with your dad. Do you think his actions are part of it?”

“In what way?”

“He taught you to be selfless for others. But I think he took it too far.”

Was that the cause of this feeling of wrongness? It was so hard to pull back and see anything out of the tangled mess of emotions and half-formed thoughts that led nowhere.

“I need to think about it some more,” I said. “But I also think this isn’t the time. I want to be focused on this mission. This stuff is dangerous. I don’t want to be distracted.”

Nell stopped and looked at me sternly. “If you keep kicking it down the road, you might never get to it.”

“I won’t,” I said while walking backwards. “I promise I’ll give it some thought.”

Nell ran to catch up. “Good. Cause whatever you were feeling back at the arcade? It felt like my insides were getting sucked into a black hole. It’s no good.”

“I don’t know why you’re so good at this,” I muttered. “You didn’t have a social life until this year.”

“Hmm? Was that praise?” Nell asked smugly.

We stepped off the road and into a construction site. The tall vehicles that sat in it, without a soul in sight, gave the area a post-apocalyptic feeling.

I pulsed amusement at Nell. “You know you have a habit of ripping off my band-aid solutions. It’s kind of nightmarish.”

“Yep, definitely a compliment.”

We fell silent as we spotted the glow of a cigarette in the shadow of a bulldozer. Zola quickly stepped forward so we could see his face, motioning us over. He spoke quietly into his phone, “Nick and Nell just arrived. No sign of the shipment yet.”

He listened for a moment and then spoke to us, “Everyone is in position. Come on.” 

We followed him as he climbed a nearby pile of dirt. Richard sat on the top, looking through binoculars while chewing on a piece of hard plastic, possibly the cap of a pen.

“Richard, can you lend those to us for a moment?” Zola asked.

Richard lowered the binoculars and glowered at us. “Oh great. The freaks showed up.”

I was working up the resolve to respond when Nell stepped forward, holding her hand out.

Richard stared her down. “What? You wanna start something? I’m sure you’ll be sitting back at a safe distance while your bitch does everything for you.”

“Come on, Richard,” Zola said nervously. “We are not doing anything except for observing today. Sullivan wants to know what has made the Jiezhi so protective of this shipment.”

“Each day, more and more fights are breaking out between the Rings,” Richard said. “My former brothers, killing each other. And I’m left on the same side as kids who haven’t even gotten their hands dirty before.”

Nell’s expression was intense, like she was looking straight through him as she spoke, “I heard about the stunt you pulled on Nick when I wasn’t around. How about you try pointing your gun at me? I’ll show you how willing I am to get my hands dirty.”

Richard sneered at her. “Oh yeah? I was there when we fought the Red Ring. I thought Witches were supposed to be powerful. You were more useful putting out the fires after than actually fighting.”

There was a dangerous ripple in Nell’s emotions.

I put a hand on her shoulder. Nobody needed this to go that far. It could risk exposing us to even greater danger.

Richard dangled the binoculars in front of me. “Come fetch, bitch.”

I grabbed them.

“This world’s gone soft.” Richard spat out the plastic he was chewing and slid down the dirt pile. Nell stared daggers at his retreating back.

Zola pointed at a long flat one-story building in the distance. I looked at it through the binoculars. There were a few men standing at each side of the building, with obvious bulges underneath their jackets where they were concealing weapons.

“That’s where the shipment is supposed to come in. Twenty minutes until the planned time. Do you see the tallest building to the left? The one with orange covers on the scaffolding.”

I panned over and spotted what he was referring to. It was much closer to the delivery site than our spot. “Yeah.”

“B is piloting their drone from that one. Terry is with them. Then if you look to the right and further away, Graham and AJ are hiding somewhere near that crane.”

I spotted it and then handed Nell the binoculars.

“Do not mind Richard,” Zola said to us quietly. “He is confrontational with every person he meets. Especially those who he deems as not ‘street’ enough.”

“Why does he respect Graham, then?” Nell asked sullenly.

“It was before I joined, but I heard Graham bailed Richard out of a tough situation. I think he just does not truly trust anyone until they demonstrate their quality through action.”

“Quality… like power?”

“He would not admit it, but I think it is more about being dependable than power.”

“Good,” Nell said softly. “He thinks I’m powerless. If I had really wanted to, the Red Ring would have been dealt with in an instant. But no one actually wants that.”

Zola glanced at her, unnerved. Then his phone rang. Zola answered it and put it on speaker.

“How are we doing?” Graham’s voice came through clearly.

“We are good here,” Zola answered. “There is a clear view of the south and east side of the building.”

“AJ is observing the interior. He’ll let us know if anything seems amiss. B?”

The voice crackled in the speaker. “Terry’s gone for a walk. Guess he got bored. God knows I wasn’t entertaining his monologues.”

“The drone?”

“It’s up in the air. I’m flying it high for now so they don’t hear it. Those idiots shouldn’t have chosen a building with a skylight.”

Though distorted by the connection, B’s voice had a familiar cadence to it. I chalked it up to them probably being around my age.

“I hope these damn birds don’t hit my baby,” B said. “They’re flying all over the place.”

“What the…” Nell said, still looking through the binoculars.

“Hm?”

“There’s a lot of them,” Nell said, passing the binoculars back to me. “Do you see them?”

“What, the birds?” I asked, peering through.

“It kind of freaked me out at first. I can’t always tell what kind of life I’m sensing, so I just felt a ton of lifeforms in that building close to B’s.”

I noticed the building she was talking about. Small shadows flitted in and out of the windows. “Could also be bats,” I said.

“Whatever they are, there’s like hundreds in there. Is that normal?”

“I’m not sure…” I said as more and more of the black shapes started to emerge from the interior of the building and wheel around the roof. Each time I thought that was the last of them, a fresh wave would exit the building. They flew in a tight circle, like a black halo that grew darker and larger with every minute. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

At the cue of some unknown signal, the cloud of fliers scattered, breaking free of the strange holding pattern and spilling down over the sides of the building. They poured down like a black waterfall. Low to the ground, they swept towards the skeleton of a building that B was in. The scaffolding around the edges shook and the covers flapped as the things poured into the building.

“B, get out of there!” I shouted, dropping the binoculars to the dirt. “Something is happening!”

There was a long pause. “Who are you? What-” the voice paused as a sound began to get picked up by the speakers. The cawing of crows. It grew louder and louder.

“B, what’s happening?” Graham asked urgently.

“Holy-” The voice was cut short by the sound of hundreds of wings flapping and the phone hitting concrete. The mocking laughter of the crows drowned out whatever Graham was trying to say.

I could see the birds with my naked eye. There were so many of them, covering every inch of the building, making it look black instead of grey and orange. I started to run towards them.

“B’s been found!” Zola spoke into his phone as he chased after me.

Richard cocked his gun. “Nothing ever goes to plan,” he said darkly. He was right. I was beginning to wonder if Organ’s hand was guiding the events around Nell and I, even now. Like we’d never left their sight.