The next day I skipped class to go to the dance studio. Anjali was between teaching classes so she let me use the space while a few stragglers from the last class had some free time to practice.
I put my headphones in, faced the window, and let my eyes unfocus. The music swelled and I stretched my arms over my head. A guitar and violin played in unison, one taking the lead before letting the other take over in a playful exchange. Strings hummed and I danced, matching myself to their rhythm, anticipating the shifts in power. I could feel every muscle with a precise awareness I hadn’t had before. They pushed and pulled, bringing my legs with them and for a moment I was outside the window, looking in at myself. I stuttered on the next step, losing my flow. I stomped down and then leaped, trying to power through the feeling. Who knows what it meant. Too many things were changing. All I did know was that it felt great to be back here. It had been too long.
I finished the song, feeling the sweat drip off the ends of my hair that had escaped my ponytail. Someone stepped into the periphery of my vision and I heard a low murmur through my headphones. I looked over. It was a dancer I had seen before. Nolan, I think. He wore a beanie and heavy freckles on his face. He must have just said something to me because he was giving me a friendly smile, so I took out my headphones.
“Hm?”
“Oh, I was just saying you’re on fire today! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone jump that high in a routine.”
I fully snapped back to reality. How high was it exactly? “Oh, um, thanks.”
Nolan rocked on his heels, making more eye contact than I was able to match. “Have you thought about joining a performance team? You’re really good. We actually have a spot open on our team. I think you’d fit in.”
I stared at the floorboards, feeling like I was drowning in unsatisfactory responses. “I don’t really like performing.”
“That’s too bad.” Nolan seemed to notice my discomfort and he looked away. “Um… shoot. Look, I hadn’t seen you in a class in a while, so I thought maybe you weren’t coming back. Now that you have, I feel like I gotta say this. I think you’re really cute. I wanted to ask for your number.”
My limbs felt like they were melting into the floor. What do I say? He was a good-looking man. He seemed friendly. But… but what?
“Oh, but no worries if the answer is no,” he said hastily. “I just think I would regret not asking.”
He waited a few more moments before clapping his hands together and saying, “Not into that? It’s all good! You’re an awesome dancer, I hope you keep at it.”
“S-sorry,” I said through the lump in my throat.
“It’s okay!” he said, smiling wide. “I feel better already. I hope I’ll see you around.”
“Bye.”
Nolan left, waving goodbye to Anjali. I took a few seconds to collect myself and then I grabbed my bag and headed out. There was still so much time to kill before the stakeout…
My phone buzzed and I went to my text messages to see that Nell had sent me a photo. In it, Nell was smiling and leaning against the side of an arcade machine. Kay and Tom were sitting at the cabinets. Tom was hunched over, mouth open like he was screaming, his hands throttling the joystick like it owed him money. Kay had one hand on the buttons while she held up a peace sign with her other hand, posing for the camera.
Her text read: “We’re at Silljoy Arcade. Wanna come? Still lots of time before the mission.”
I tapped out a one word response and started to head over. It had been a while since I’d played at the arcades. It made me think of Mac. He hadn’t reached out in a while, not since our conversation at the cafe when he’d revealed that the Cathrow children had been abducted, Organ coming to take back what they deemed was theirs.
That made me sick to my stomach. I could only hope that Mac was hot on the trail. And if he didn’t want me to find my own path forward, too bad, I’d rather be doing something than sitting on my hands.
Nell and the others were at one of the larger arcades in Sillwood. It had several floors which each emitted a different neon glow through the windows at night. In the daytime it was less impressive, looking like a square office building that someone had hung a large pink sign in front of. I was given a token shaped like a gold coin at the door with a transmitter that tracked credits and winnings.
I eventually found the group around the machine that matched the photo Nell had sent. “Riot Rivals” the cabinet read. It vibrated loud music that warred with the songs playing from the nearby arcade cabinets. It also vibrated because Tom was slamming his palm down on the buttons like he was playing whack-a-mole.
Kay’s more precise button presses made her character perform a long combo of punches and kicks on Tom’s character, ending in a finishing move that flashed the words “Lights Out!!!”
Tom groaned and lolled his head back so far that he saw me. He grinned upside-down. “A new challenger?”
“I haven’t played many fighting games.”
“Wear her down for me. I think I’ll win a round if you keep her here for another two hours.”
Kay laced her fingers together. “Bailey is the only one who can keep up with me, but she was busy today. But with four we could play that cooperative shooter.”
She was wearing a crop-top that showed off her belly button piercing. I looked away as she stretched her arms over her head. “Where’s Nell?”
“Over by the prize counter.”
Craning my neck, I saw her coming back, holding something. She showed it to me excitedly. It was an action figure designed to look like a faerie, with drills instead of legs that looked like they were stained with blood. The faerie wore a dress made of an upside-down flower and had a fake looking smile plastered on its face.
“I’m not sure if it’s cute or creepy,” I remarked.
“Cupey,” Tom said. “Like the mayo.”
Kay pushed on Tom from behind. “He’s gone senile from all the L’s he took. Let’s go shoot some zombies.”
“Agreed. Let me grab a snack first,” Tom said and staggered away, pretending to be a zombie.
I followed Nell and Kay, content to just listen to their conversation.
“So why are you going to university?” Nell asked. “What do you want to be?”
Kay made a face. “I dunno. I came into it with dreams of being an environmental activist. But it feels kind of hopeless these days. There’s just nothing one woman can do against these corporations that do everything in their power to avoid regulations that are designed to save the planet. Maybe terrorism is a better career path.”
Nell’s eyes widened. “Is it that bad?”
“Pretty bad,” Kay said. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, Nell. If you could do something with your magic powers, you’d be doing the world a favor.”
I briefly envisioned a future where a giant Tree stood tall and seeded its emotions over the whole world. A bloody and cataclysmic end to modern society. But also one that would mean the end to a lot of evil and corruption. I shivered, unable to see Nell being unchanged from having a hand in such a terrible event.
Fuck. I felt bad. My mind sucked. I couldn’t linger there, but I also felt like shit on the outside so I just kept my eyes glued to the floor.
Kay looked good. So? What do you mean by that? Why are you feeling shitty?
“You’re being weird,” Nell said, eyeing me. “Why are you being weird.” Kay quirked an eyebrow behind her glasses.
“I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
I was stuck. The windows were looking like a good option right about now. I imagined a pulsating green “EXIT” sign above one of them. It wouldn’t even hurt that bad, it was just the second floor. I was used to jumping off buildings by now.
“That look in your eye is familiar,” Kay said. I briefly met her brown eyes before looking away again. “Remember the first real conversation we had? I was being all cryptic about how I knew you,” she said, wiggling her fingers at me. “You had a similar expression back then. I can leave out what you were looking at.”
Nell frowned. “Wait, I haven’t heard this one. What were you looking at?”
“I’m just having an off day,” I said. My mind felt like sludge. A black, sticky murk.
“Just some ladies at work,” Kay said gently. “That’s part of their job.”
“Huh?” Nell said with a puzzled look. “I don’t understand.”
“I don’t either,” I said bitterly, frustration welling up inside.
“Okay, I’m probably prying too much,” Kay said, raising her hands placatingly. “I just want to help you out. You seem conflicted about something.”
“Can we just shoot some zombies?” I asked pleadingly.
Kay assented and we went over to the game which had four seats that had glowing green test tubes sticking out of the backs. I could feel Nell’s attention on me through our connection, even as we booted up the game. Tom threw himself into the last seat right before the first level started.
“Do you guys think zombies eat brains because it tastes good or just because it’s like a cultural norm for them?”
We played in the arcade for a few hours, switching games whenever we got bored. Tom managed to keep a constant stream of conversation going, which I was grateful for. Even his in-your-face personality was a distraction from Nell, who I could practically hear the gears turning in her head. Good luck, I’m the one in my head and I don’t know what’s going on in here.
Once it got close to the time we were supposed to meet the crew, we said our goodbyes to Tom and Kay and headed downstairs.
Nell trailed behind me as I led the way through the raucous crowds who were playing crane games and other slightly predatory forms of entertainment. The machines were tuned to play their sounds at a level where conversation was hard to parse. I was just passing a basketball shooting game when I heard Nell ask a question just barely audible over the music.
“Do you want to be a woman?”
I stopped and turned around. Nell was deadly serious, arms down at her sides, the action figure dangling along like it was holding her hand.
“What?” I said. “Where did that come from?”
Nell shrugged and looked down.
We stayed like that for a long time. Just lost in a sea of noise, the T.V. static that buzzed in my brain blending in just right.